Thoughts of what should come
by civillove
Summary: POVs of Jim, Pam, Karen and Roy during cocktails and the negotiation


Thoughts of what should come.

Pam

His name was Jim.

She could remember a time when things weren't weird and horrible between them. When they were in love from the moment they woke up to the moment they went to sleep. She still felt that way. So in love with him, not being able to change or let go. To adapt or move on. She was permanently cursed to stand still and some how, Pam figured he knew about it.

Especially since he was happy with someone else.

Her name was Karen.

And the things Pam hated most about her, was that she actually liked her. She actually doesn't mind her at all. Karen was nice and funny and at times even reminded her of herself. And that was why she thought Jim was with her.

Pam knows she's changed since Jim went to Stanford and she wonders if he even notices. She's not as flimsy and transparent as she used to be, especially with Roy not around anymore. She's missing her best friend, or was he even that anymore? She's looking up from her computer, now at the back of his neck since his desk had been changed. Now he's facing Karen.

Perfect Karen.

Pam wishes she would have been able to follow her damn instincts. If she would have done that in the first place, he'd be facing _her_. But he's not anymore. And that makes all the difference.

Jim

Her name was Pam.

He's been in love with her since he ever met her. And no matter how hard he tries or no matter how many times he forces Karen into his thoughts, he's _still_ in love with her. And he figures it will always and forever be that way. He's chained to her and the problem is he doesn't mind. He tries to, but in the end he knows he doesn't. He knows he loves it that way and knows she doesn't mind either.

Jim remembered a time when they never needed chains to keep them together. When words and glances didn't tear their hearts and skin. But she belonged to another then, and it made him sick.

His name was Roy.

Jim never really liked Roy and never would. It was always one thing or another with him and he could never tell if he was jealous or just hated the bastard. Jim always figured it was a bit of both.

But then again, it was almost always him who brought Roy up into the conversation. Always asking Pam how Roy was. Always needed to know her business so he could pretend it was his own and that it mattered if he knew. But its not like he ever gave a fuck about Pam and Roy, and them being together. He just wanted to hear her talk. Her words always caught him. At points he figured he'd always hear her voice in his head, but then reality would smack him in the face and Karen would ask where he wanted to go to dinner.

Karen

His name was Jim.

Karen admits to herself that she's never known anyone like him and admits to herself that she's never been in love like this. But she'd never tell him that. She never finds the courage to tell him. And even if she did, she wonders if he would even understand the depths of what she was trying to say.

But at times she wondered if what she was experiencing was even real, because there were moments that betrayed what she was feeling. It was like one moment he was hers and the next he was someone else's. And it was getting harder and harder to get him to come back each time, and sooner or later he wasn't going to come back. And that's what she feared the most. That'd he be chained to that girl Phyllis told her about.

Her name was Pam.

And frankly Karen couldn't quite place how she felt about her. At times she felt she should worry about her relationship with Jim. Because Jim never looked at her the way he looked at Pam or the way they shared each other's laughs and smiles. It reminded her of the way Jim and her were back in Stanford and wondered if it was just his thing with all the girls he knew. But the way he treated Pam and the way he treated her should have been different. There should be a _difference_. But Karen honestly couldn't see it anymore.

Jim was hers wasn't he? And she moved from Connecticut because of it. No, she had nothing to worry about. And assuring herself gave her confidence. She had Jim, what did Pam have?

Roy

Her name was Pam.

And after all this time, Roy still doesn't understand why they aren't married. He still loves her and figures he always will. But marriage, as everyone knows, needs two people who will love each other above anyone else. And he remembers a time when it was like that. When he and Pam would lie in bed and it was only them. But it wasn't them for some time now, and Roy was beginning to realize that. Even though every thought he had was how he could fix things.

But Pam didn't want to fix things. She wanted to ruin him. How could she think telling him she had feelings for someone else could possibly help them?

His name was Jim.

After all that time he _still_ felt like breaking glass, still felt like breaking Halpert's face. To think _he _of all people had had his Pammy. Had touched her. All this time he had looked gay to Roy. And that made him even angrier. Since he thought he was gay, it was as if Jim was a safe hatch. Like he would never come after Pam because of how he was. It had been a comfort. So the fact that Pam had told Roy it had been _Jim_ that she had feelings for, only fueled Roy's growing fire.

Memories would never go away; they would stand in corners and wait for you to think of something awful. Then swoop in like a bird of prey. After all that time he still loved Pam, and still hated Jim and the beers wouldn't change that. He could drown his sorrows and look for an answer in the bottom of a shot glass all he wanted.

It wouldn't change anything.

Pam

His name was Jim.

Jim. Jim. Jim. Always Jim and never Roy. She couldn't honestly remember a time when Jim hadn't replaced Roy's name in her head. Or when Roy caused her stomach to flip inside-out and cause invisible butterflies to tickle her skin. But she could remember when Jim made her feel that way. Because it was every day. Every single moment of every single day.

She could be anywhere on the planet and she'd still feel him haunting her. No matter what. She was always going to feel the heat of his skin, the hand on her waist, and his lips on hers. As long as she lived it'd be there.

At some points during the day she was ready to stand up and kiss him, she was so fed up with _feeling_ him all the time. She'd kiss him and he'd feel _her. _Forever and in front of everyone. Especially Karen.

Pam would finally get what she wanted, what she disserved. And those are the minutes she hates herself the most. Because she could have had what she wanted. Could have had him.

But instead Pam's left with going back to her crap apartment by herself, not even with someone to fill her empty bed and heart. She couldn't just keep doing this to herself. She couldn't just keep loving these selfish things. Things she didn't disserve.

She wanted to paint. So many bottled up emotions; painting helped her release them safely. So by setting up a canvas, she let the brush strokes become filled with anger, sadness and love. Everything she felt. The colors and bold lines filled up the empty spaces inside and she felt her fingertips tingle as she stepped back to look at the canvas. She realized what the painting reminded her of.

His name was Jim.

Jim

Her name was Pam.

God she'd never go away. All she did was sit at her desk and he was in love with her all over again. _KarenKarenKaren_. Like a mantra in his head, reminding him of where his place was. Because he needed that. Needed to use what he had to convince himself he's not in love with her. But somehow the chants dim and he's left thinking about the woman he really loves. The one that broke his heart in too many pieces.

As Karen approaches his desk, he can't do this. Not with the truth so fresh in his mind. His head is pounding and his heart is leaking through the expressions on his face.

She'd know in a millisecond that he was lying about everything and he couldn't have that happen. Not with Pam less than a foot away. He makes a god awful excuse to why he can't be with Karen tonight and heads out, not even bothering to say goodbye to Pam.

He can't look at her without stuttering something he'll regret later. Can't without tears pouring down his cheeks. _Can't.Can't.Can't._ That had been her word hadn't it? I can't? I can't or I won't? Was it all the same anymore? Jim honestly didn't even know.

So there he was. This is what he's become. A slag heap and poor excuse for a man, slumping around the aisles of a grocery store searching for a drink that'd put him in a deeper sleep than he was capable of. He couldn't fucking wait to forget.

And now here he is, near his apartment fridge, sloppily taking drinks out of the bottle. He opened the refrigerator door to grab…what was he doing again? God, how drunk was he? _Why_ was even drunk? And then on the second shelf, he saw something and instantly remembered.

Mixed berries yogurt.

Her name was Pam.


End file.
